I
do not dream of traveling the world or becoming a famous person. I travel down
the same path every day. It is as if the road is bending and turning so that it
is in front of every step that I take. I am a creature of habit. I dare not
change my schedule out of fear. What if I leave for vacation and a loved one
dies? What if my plane crashes? Any change in my schedule creates a stampede of
“What if” statements. What if I travel down a road that I have never been on
and my vehicle breaks down? What will I do? Who will help me? Fear has become
my master. It grabs at me, pulling me back until it has surrounded me. It is as
if I am an animal being hunted; I am taken to a place where I cannot escape.
I
am trapped within the confine of my mind. I cannot escape. Oh, what has
happened to me? This is not the life I dreamed of as a child. I wanted to be an
attorney or a teacher as a child. What
happened between then and now to change my hopes, dreams, and aspirations? I
learned to fear people and my environment by the way I was raised. If I did
something wrong, something that did not meet with the peoples wishes, I was
punished. In order not to be punished, I learned to be obedient and helpful. “I
will do that, don’t worry.” “Thank you that is why I love you. You are so thoughtful.”
I have to be thoughtful, if I want any signs of affection. The alternative is
listening to yelling, screaming, comments that I am lazy, and statements that ‘I
can never do anything right.’
I
feel I am locked away in prison, and I will never escape. This is my life.
The fear of making a mistake and
doing something wrong has led me to live a life without any risks. I also fear
the environment that surrounds me. While at the grocery store, I check out all
of the exits. This way I can escape if there is an emergency. I smile as I walk
by people, but I do not say anything. Then, it happens… Out of nowhere, I hear
a noise. I look around, but I cannot find what I am looking for. I seek
reassurance that everything is okay. I do not find any reassurance. Within
seconds, my body has responded to the noise. I have two options: fight or flee.
I
can no longer concentrate on what it is I am doing. My palms are getting
sweaty, so I wipe them on my pants. My heart is racing. It is beating so fast I
cannot count the number of beats. I can hear my heart shouting at me. It is
shouting so loudly, I cannot hear anything else. I can’t breathe. I feel as
though someone has grabbed the air right out of my chest. I have an
overwhelming feeling that I need to leave. I listen to my body; it has to know
something that I do not. I walk out of the store. I leave the groceries in the
cart and just walk out. I head home, a place I feel safe. The anxiety has
subsided and I am relaxed. I think to myself, “Whew… that was a close call.”
A
few years later, I get up the strength and courage to go speak to a therapist.
I sit in the lobby waiting for her to come and get me, and my thoughts are
racing out of control. I can hear every crack and wheeze that the building
makes, as if it is an elderly person. I stand to leave and my name is called. I
am caught. I think to myself, “Quick, leave…” It is too late she has put her
arm on my shoulder.
“Jennifer,
it is this way to my office. What were you thinking about when I came to get
you?” I did not respond to her question. I hanged my head down low in defeat.
She kept talking. She started to explain how anxiety works and what it feels
like. I picked my head up as she spoke. I was amazed at the amount of
information she knew. She was explaining situations to me, as if she knew me.
She was reading my mind. It was impossible for her to know me, because this was
the first day we had ever met. However, I felt as though we knew each other for
a long time. As we talked, I found myself relaxing. “Okay, our time is up. How
about the same time next week”?
I
was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and the next several appointments
changed my life. I learned how to deal with my thoughts. I would mentally
picture a trash can in my head. As I would think a negative thought, I would
imagine putting that thought in the trash can. My mind became quieter. It was
as if the broken record stopped playing the same words over and over again. The
“what if” thoughts became further and further apart. As they disappeared, I was
able to take advantage of exposure therapy techniques. I started going to
places that scared me and standing up to my fears. I stayed at the grocery
store despite the loud noises… nothing happened to me. I made it. I was safe. I
found a new direction for my life, and things were looking up. I spent the next
several months doing things I would not normally do, until I had mastered the
exposure therapy technique. I was no longer trapped. I set healthy boundaries
with my family, friends, and environment. I stopped being a door mat, and
started to say, “No.” “No, and I do not have to explain why.”
I
was released with a reminder that if I failed to use the knowledge I had
attained, I would become a prisoner again. I monitor my thoughts and my actions
so that I can live my life free from anxiety and the dreaded “what if’s.”
